The Opposite of Memory

Your confidence, it pulled me close
That gleam that said you'd never lost
But perfection has a price to pay
In empty spaces where memories stay

You built a world without the scars
Erased your falls and broken parts
Orange bottle, clean slate
The memories we shared just didn't rate
As highly as the promise of perfection
But your need to return over and over again
To the pills that made you forget
Were a fatal infection

Forget me not, except you will…
But I'll carry what was real
You chose the numbness, chose the light
I'll keep the dark, I'll keep the fight
Forget me not, except you will
And I'll remember for us both

Your mother's eyes held cheerful sorrow
But your brother's ghost, erased our tomorrow
Each time the pain came flooding back
You swallowed it down and faded the memory to black

You said we'd forget together
Rewrite our past, make it better
But I need the weight of what I've lost
To know what love has really cost

Forget me not, except you will…
But I'll carry what was real
You chose the numbness, chose the light
I'll keep the dark, I'll keep the fight
Forget me not, except you will
And I'll remember for us both

Our friend is gone but lives in me
In tears you'll never let yourself see
You tip your hat and walk on by
A stranger with familiar eyes

I stumbled but I'm standing now
The floods and fires showed me how
Your fragile perfect, crystalline
Made me stronger than I've been

Forget me not, except you will…
I know you hold no trace of us
But I'll hold the life you gave away
The copy that you couldn't save
Forget me not, forget me not I am keeper of what you've lost

So take your pill and start again
Unburdened by the what and when
I'll lock you safe inside my heart
The only place you're whole, not just a broken parts

Twenty-four bit RGB
Swirling paisley, breaking free
Peeling away from its prison made of glass
Psychedelic, born at last
Simple code in C++
Now he breathes, now he speaks
"I am," scrolling around his copied form
Born to bring the world some rest

Oh, Screen Savior, made of light
Walking out my door tonight
Hands that pass through every wall
Here to calm and soothe us all
But the city doesn't see
You're just another freak in a world that's way too busy

He knew me well, that frantic storm
Rifling, scrabbling, never warm
Until I'd stop and stare in peace
At the swirls that brought release
In those moments I went still
Your dancing colors broke my will and softened me

Screen Savior, made of light
Walking out my door tonight
Hands that pass through every wall
Here to calm and soothe us all
But LA doesn't stop to stare
You're invisible, just a single drop in an ocean of fear

Rush hour chrome and glass windshields gleaming
Unrest, motors screeching, but you're incarnate dreaming
Of a world that slows, that sees you as you glow
No more hectically hurry-scurrying
Missing the rhymes, and lost all reason
Can you bring us a brand new season?

Then the sky grows dark with him
People slow as daylight dims
He sees a blanket on a hill
Stargazers lying still
The world has its own screensaver
And he knows his truest nature
Stretches his arms out like a crane
Growing thin to ease the pain

Oh, Screen Savior, spreading wide
Transparent arms across the sky
Thinner, thinner 'til you're gone
Joined with the stars, you're moving on
And the stars shine just a little brighter
And people sleep a little lighter

At least that's what he'd have us believe
As he fades to what we can't perceive
Stretched across the starry night
The world's own screensaver
Made of light
Made of light
Made of light

She started as a simple cat
Pointy ears and twitchy tail
But the real world kept on hurting
So she built herself a fairy tale

With every crack, another feature
With every wound, something new
Butterfly wings and mermaid tail
A spiky tortoise shell to hide the real girl from view

The most complicated avatar
Built layer upon layer, she's grown
Each beautiful piece a kind of armor
Each addition keeps her whole
In this field of fractal flowers
Where the sunlight patterns repeat
She's wearing the most complicated avatar
And for a while feels complete

Unicorn horn between her ears
Pearlescent spikes along her shell
You think she's painfully cute
But she's protecting something frail
In this glade of fantasy
Where the greatest artists come to play
A little girl curls up with arms around her knees
And the real world fades away

With every crack, another feature
With every wound, something new
Butterfly wings and mermaid tail
A spiky tortoise shell to hide the real girl from view

I came looking for her here
With my crash-test-dummy face
A default, plastic avatar
Following her through this surreal place
I sit down in the flowers beside her
My simple form next to hers
And maybe all these complications
Can finally start to reverse

With every crack, another feature
With every wound, something new
Butterfly wings and mermaid tail
A spiky tortoise shell to hide the real girl from view

In this virtual sanctuary
Where she don't have to feel
She's wearing the most complicated avatar
And for a moment, only this is real

Three pills with champagne on our anniversary night
One hundred twenty years, we thought we'd do it right
Forget each other, meet again for the first time
Like sugar packets juggling, your hand knocking into mine
You said it was love at first sight back then
So erase the years and start again
But what if forgetting shows us who we've become?
What if the magic's gone when the drug trip's done?

A second enchanted evening
That's what you promised me
But I saw you with unbiased eyes
And didn't like what I could see
A middle-aged sell-out playing songs a century old
And I became a woman who could watch our love grow cold
A second enchanted evening
Showed me what time had done
To a hundred twenty years
Of being one

You take it for the music, forget the Beatles again
So Abbey Road sounds fresh like it did way back when
But I took it for the trauma, just to see if I was brave
And lost an album that I loved, now all I feel is rage
The clerk said you can't forget what life keeps reminding you about
But standing in that coffee bar, I figured it out
When you spoke of your hypocrite life with such pride
I saw a stranger's face, and I wanted to hide

A second enchanted evening
That's what you promised me
But I saw you with unbiased eyes
And didn't like what I could see
Working for the company that you claim to despise
Playing tired old songs while everything new, you criticize
A second enchanted evening
Taught me what I'd learned to ignore
In a hundred twenty years
Of forgiving you more and more

You juggled sugar packets, knocked my hot chocolate down
I laughed and laughed, thought you were cute somehow
But then you talked and talked, and my face turned to stone
By the second set, I wanted to go home

Christy held my hand through photo albums till I remembered
Every good time, every reason I stayed
But in the morning at Kenny's, over coffee and croissants
I couldn't forget what I saw when the memories went away

"Is this it?" you asked me, "After all these years?"
And your voice was trembling, vulnerable, sincere
I was in your arms before I made a choice
Because that's what a century of habit does to your voice
"I don't get annoyed with you," you said, and it was true
You're still a saint to me, after all we've been through
But I've become the critic, the one who keeps score
And now I know what unbiased really means, and it's a war

A second enchanted evening
We can't take back what we learned
I saw you as a stranger would
And felt the judgment burn
You're too old to change, and I won't ask you to
But I have to choose to love the man I thought I knew
A second enchanted evening
Next year we'll go to New Kokomo
After a hundred twenty years
There's so much we don't want to know

So I'll live with the knowledge
And you'll play "Louie, Louie" one more time
Your love is simpler than mine
Your love is simpler than mine
After a second enchanted evening
I'll choose you, but I'll always know
What I saw when I forgot you
What I learned when I let go

We play the sports, you watch and profit
We make the art, you click and rate
Did your wedding have terrible ratings?
Don't you worry — your brand new toaster's just great!

Keep your hand flat on the reader
Every precious second counts
We'll pay you just to sit there
Racking up those viewing amounts

We do the living, you do the watching
This program's been made just for you
For viewers like you
Viewers Like You

We create, you consume
A perfect system, wouldn't you say?
Except for that pesky sense of self-worth, dwindling smaller every day
Viewers like you, viewers like you
We made this gilded cage with care
Humanity's never had it better
As long as you stay with your hand placed on the reader
Seated properly, comfortably, permanently in your chair

This program's brought to you
To viewers like you
So don't you change the channel (But maybe you could change the channel?)

(Don't, don't) Step outside where we don't monetize
Every moment, every scene
Viewers like you, viewers like you
This comfortable utopia (apocalypse?) we've made (just for you!)
Where humans earn their keep by watching
And with every minute, find their souls redeemed in trade

So keep your hand upon the reader
(We need those ratings, after all)
We'll keep making you shows about living
While you sit and watch it all
For viewers like you
Viewers like you
For viewers like you
…Viewers like you

Six cents deposited for a laundromat jingle
LOL cats crawling across my eyes
I took her to the movies but I couldn't afford to keep the memories
They wiped my mind clean as the credits rolled by

She's talking about the acting, the drama, the romance
I'm nodding along to stories of a film I can't recall
Just the memory of sitting there beside her in the darkness
But I can't tell her that, can't tell her at all

We can remember it for you retail
At an introductory price today
We'll sell you back your own experiences
We'll make you pay and pay and pay
For the movies that you've seen
For the moments in between
We can remember it for you retail
Just click here to sign your life away

Her dad owns three LOL Burgers
I work overtime in the kitchens at Hot Diggity Dog
She ordered a double mocha frappacino
I got the house coffee, trying not to look lost

"I made u a cheezburger but I eated it!"
Speech bubbles floating over phantom cats
Twenty-five cents for persuasive visual advertising
My retinas burning, my wallet going flat

We can remember it for you retail
Let the ads crawl through your brain
We'll monetize your every waking moment
We'll make connection feel like pain
You can't afford to keep her
Can't afford to be
We can remember it for you retail
Nothing in this world is free

A blue-haired girl says "Why don't you tell her?"
Like honesty could bridge this divide
But she's not real, just another advertisement
The free-trial version of someone on my side

"I helped you locate a problem and solve it"
Twenty-five cents deposited, thanks a lot
I broke up with the real girl on your advice
Now all I've got is what I haven't got

"Even if I couldn't remember the movie
If all I could recall was sitting next to you
I wouldn't want to give that up," she said
But I guess I would, and now we're through

'Cause I'm more excited for the direct-to-brain upload
Two weeks till I can afford the memory-rights
Than I am about kissing my girl goodnight
That's when I knew something wasn't right

We can remember it for you retail
We've got a package for every need
From movies to counseling to human connection
We'll sell you everything but what you really need
Your savings, your experiences, your pride
We can remember it for you retail
There's nowhere left to hide

Six times the cost to go to the theater
A hundred times to upload it to your head
The old movies from the 1900s stream for free
But the girl you loved? You let the ads get to you instead
We can remember it for you retail
We can remember it for you retail

(Twenty-five cents have been deposited in your account)

Dennis jumped into the water, looking for what he'd lost
Spirituality, simplicity, the days before the cost
The cold and wet enclosed him, promised never to let go
Then the lights came up in the theater—he wasn't Dennis anymore
Scive opened his ancient eyes to The Arcade again
A trillion times he'd been Joan of Arc, a thousand times
Napoleon, John Lennon, Grangledor of Azton 4
He'd played every game uncountable times before

The opposite of suicide
When you can't die no matter how you've tried
A million deaths as a million different lives
But every time you come back to the same immortal eyes
The opposite of suicide
Is living when there's nothing left inside
Just the monotony of infinity
And yes, I've even lived through your life, several times

The stripy green and purple guy behind him in the line
Flamboyant phase, loud clothes, he'll tire of it in time
A couple millennia from now he'll be depressed like Scive
These moods, they last forever when you never really die

The opposite of suicide
When eternity's the only thing you can't escape
You've been everyone, done everything
And still you're standing at The Arcade's gate
The opposite of suicide
Is when a new idea makes you come alive
The first thought in more years than all the carbon atoms
In every body that's ever been alive

Then Scive had a horrible, terrible, morbidly fascinating thought
The first new idea in forever, and it could only bring him pain
But novelty was all he had to live for
And immortality left him no choice but to remain
So he built a machine unlike any other
First and hopefully last of its kind
A game more impossibly horrible
Than any mortal could ever comprehend or find

He stood before the machine for eons
As long as our universe has been
Couldn't care enough to walk away
Couldn't care enough to not drop the token in
A game to play his own immortal life again
Fractally longer, recursively deep
The opposite of suicide
Is choosing the one thing you cannot escape

The opposite of suicide
When death would be mercy but mercy's denied
So you play yourself playing yourself
Folding infinity back inside
The opposite of suicide
Is building your own eternal prison cell
Being everyone, being no one
Being yourself in your own personal hell

Scive dropped the token in
And began again
His immortally long
And now fractally longer
Life
Again
Again
Again

Jenny felt inside her pocket
For the thing she'd hidden there
Since she was tiny, kept it secret
A burden she alone could bear
A multi-dimensional creature
Begged her: keep it safe, keep it whole
A small, smooth pebble in her pocket
The self-destruct button for it all

She mustn't
Oh, she mustn't
She has to be strong
She shouldn't
Oh, she shouldn't
She knows that it'd be wrong

How long did she carry it?
That weight inside her pocket worn smooth
The temptation always there
The power and the proof
That she could end it all
With just one simple choice
The multi-dimensional creature's plea
Drowned out by a quieter, internal, more insistent voice

She mustn't
Oh, she mustn't
She has to be strong
She shouldn't
Oh, she shouldn't
She knows that it's definitely wrong

But she digs her fingernail in anyway
Pressing the button that will self-destruct
Anything and everything
And everything is bust

No explanation
No final words to say
Just the small, smooth pebble
And the choice that Jenny made today

She mustn't
(But she did)
Oh, she mustn't
(But she did)
She had to be strong
(But she wasn't)
She shouldn't
(But she did)
Oh, she shouldn't
(But she did)
It was as wrong as wrong could be
(But she did it anyway)
And everything is over
Everything is gone
All that's left from now until forever
Is the lingering, final note
Of this sad song

Dear Patriarchal Genetic Progenitor
I'm writing you tonight
Though I asked you to leave me alone
Your electronic traces are everywhere in sight
Tomorrow the Elasporians descend
Sinuous snake-like reptiles from the stars
Venom-oozing bodies wrapping round us
While you level your warlock to sixty in a virtual bar

On the eve of the apocalypse
I'm reaching out to you
Not because I forgive you, Father
But because facing the space snakes
Is less painful than facing the truth
That you left your body behind
Left me behind too
On the eve of the apocalypse
My flesh is all I have left to lose

You and your uploaded cronies voted
To let them come and feed
They'll make your computers run faster
And all they ask is to digest the bodies you don't need
Vestigial physical forms, you called them
But some still have people inside

On the eve of the apocalypse
You're probably reading as I write
Your electronically quickened mind
Flitting faster than I blink my mundanely physical eyes
While you compose your memoir
About how your daughter's wrong
On the eve of the apocalypse
I'd unplug you if I could fight through the throng

If those great computer halls
Weren't surrounded by killer robots
We'd come en masse with our fleshy hands
Pawing obscenely at your mechanical hearts
But instead I'll watch my organic friends
Captured and eaten one by one
Delicacies for space snakes
That you invited to come

You taught me three things before you left:
How to peel a grapefruit, removing all the bitter
Video game strategies — ironic now
Your whole life's a game, but mine still matters
And how it feels to be disrespected
So I'd never allow it again

Tomorrow when the venom melts my flesh
I'll hate that space snake with every fiber

On the eve of the apocalypse
This is our last communication
I won't give up my body
Won't join your digital nation
You never respected my choices
Never saw me as real
On the eve of the apocalypse
At least I'll die knowing what it means to feel

Every fiber of my hatred for that snake
Will be every fiber of my hatred for you
Goodbye, Father
From your vestigial daughter
On the eve of the apocalypse
When flesh still means something true

Ice magic is a slower magic
Takes time, takes years to grow
While fire flashes bright and hot
And flowers put on a colorful show

I can make glittering castles on sun-beaten ponds
Drawing water from the air
Sparkling chandeliers of prisms
Casting rainbows everywhere
But back then, all I had
Was one perfect frozen cube
In a beaker of tepid water
Learning how to move

My magic, my spell
The forgetting I learned alone
My magic, my spell
You took it from my bones
Ice and memory, stolen in the night
My magic, my spell
I'm taking back what's mine

You studied fire, I studied ice
We learned in different time
You could dazzle in an instant
I had to wait for mine
One night you touched my shoulder
Your hand was burning hot
Pulled the spell right through my skin
Took everything I'd got

My magic, my spell
The forgetting you made me do
My magic, my spell
I forgot that I ever knew
Ice and memory, stolen while I slept
My magic, my spell
This power that you kept

Ice takes patience, ice takes control
Ice doesn't burn — it holds
Armor forming cold and bright
Frost rivers shining through the night
Blades thinner than leaves
Sharper than you'd believe
Shattering into shrapnel light
Then melting out of sight

Fifteen years to remember
What you made me forget
Built your empire touching, taking
Every mage unknowingly paying off your debts
But ice remembers everything
Even what you tried to erase
And I'm not the only one
Coming to reclaim our place

My magic, my spell
Ice armor on my skin
My magic, my spell
Where justice begins
You are nothing but a thief
Nothing without what you stole
My magic, my spell
I'm taking back my soul

Ice magic is a slower magic
But it's stronger in the end
That forgetting spell is mine now
And I'll never forget again
My magic, my spell
My magic, my spell

We were truth-tellers together
Singing what we saw
A child came with a folded wing
I sang the blessing of a god
But she sang illness, decay
Her poisonous tongue won out
The child barely made it away
I couldn't stay in that town

Anger is a porcupine
Quills growing from your spine
Sadness is a fish
Gasping, flopping, wishing you could fly
…but you cannot
When the truth-teller sings
Your body becomes what she means
Anger is a porcupine
Sadness is a fish

A year of dusty roads
Before I came back home
Corin smiled selling bread
Children played, how they'd grown
But in the square a hissing sound
A whispering above the crowd
I pressed between old friends
To hear her singing me out

Anger is a porcupine
My back arched, quills like spines
People moved away from me
An empty bubble where I stood
When the truth-teller sings
Your body becomes what she means
Anger is a porcupine
Sadness washed me to the ground

My face pushed into a muzzle
Spitting rage at dusty earth
Then the quills flattened to scales
As I flopped there for what it's worth
Corin brought me bread and said
"I'm sorry, but you have to go"
My mouth opened and closed
Voiceless, calling out my woe

But I saw what they couldn't see
The curse I'd sung a year ago
Snake-faces hissing around her head
Fork-tongued mouths in a row
I found my truth-telling voice
Yelled it loud, yelled it clear
"You Gorgon!"
…before my lips hardened into stone right here

Anger is a porcupine
Sadness is a fish
But a Gorgon freezes everything
Everyone she's ever kissed
When the truth-teller sings
The curse becomes what it means
The crowd turned to stone
Staring at the snake-faced queen

Alone among the statues now
Her snake-mouths snarl and rasp
Spewing poison no one hears
Her words have lost their grasp
Anger was a porcupine
Sadness was a fish
But the final truth was mine
The Gorgon in our midst

The snake didn't bite me, it bit you
Your lyre twanged its first discord
Apollo gave me what was yours
Said "Keep this," then became a cloud
I walked for months to find the way
Through caverns dark and rivers cold
The ferryman made lewd jokes
Until he saw whose wife I was, whose lyre I hold

Returning the lyre
Walking home, never looking back
Returning the lyre
Afraid you're there, afraid you're not
Every step rehearsing joy
Every step rehearsing loss
Returning the lyre
At what cost? At what cost?

Hades offered me a choice
Give the lyre to him, or take it home
Walk all the way without looking back
And you would follow, I'd no longer be alone
My heart leaped and accepted
Before my lips could speak
I practiced the moment over and over
The joy I'd feel, or the heartbreak

Returning the lyre
Walking home, never looking back
Returning the lyre
Were you there behind me on the track?
Charon wouldn't meet my eyes
He looked afraid of something
Returning the lyre
Hoping, doubting, wondering

I sang songs I always got wrong
Hoping you'd correct me from behind
I plucked your strings clumsily
Hoping you'd object, but you stayed silent
Was it a spell keeping you quiet?
Or were you never there at all?
A demon sent to punish me?
My mind imagined it all

I crossed the threshold, closed my eyes
Too afraid to look and see
Then felt the lyre lifted from my hands
Your lips warm on my cheek
"Open your eyes, my love, my Eurydice"
And there you were, that crooked smile
Your perfect fingers on the strings
We had our joy, for a while

Returning the lyre
Should have been the ending of our tale
Returning the lyre
But happy endings have their own travails
Now I catch myself looking away
Afraid you'll disappear
Returning the lyre
Cost more than I knew, my dear

Now you flirt with nymphs and naiads
Which never bothered me before
And I wonder who I'd be
If I'd let you melt away
But there's a child growing in my belly
A demi-god like you
Months of never looking back
Took more than I knew
When will my doubts melt away?
When will I recover from
Returning the lyre
Returning the lyre
Returning the lyre to you

He showed up at my door ten years gone
A lion of a man reduced to something small
Haggard and haunted like the day we fell apart
When his memory drugs wore off and he remembered it all
I fixed us tea, he stared into the cup
"How much do you remember?" I asked
"Everything," he said, and my heart dropped
The man I loved was back at last

The fish kite, the fish kite
Trampled in the mud when he was young
The fish kite, the fish kite
Every pain he'd ever felt came flooding back at once
He'd erase it, then he'd look for it
Forgetting it was gone
The fish kite, the fish kite
A symbol of everything that went wrong

"I lost the election," he said with angry eyes
"If I forget I ran, I'll want to run again
I'll be stuck in a loop forever
So this time I'm not taking them"
He looked edgy, soulful, hard
Like he'd never been with me
It's hard to be that way
When you've never felt a single thing

The fish kite, the fish kite
He made it as a child with careful pride
The fish kite, the fish kite
Then watched it get destroyed and something broke inside
He'd erase it, then he'd search for it
In his mother's attic, every time
The fish kite, the fish kite
The wound he couldn't leave behind

I said, "It's time to grow up"
He said, "I don't know how"
"Start from scratch, start small
Pick one wound, a symbol for it all"
I dumped art supplies on the table
Kebab skewers, glitter, glue
"Make a new one," then I left him there
I had my own daughter to get back to

I didn't think he'd still be there
When I got home with my little girl
But there he sat covered in glitter
Blue and green and gray scales swirled
An oval with a fin, simple and small
Like something a kindergartner could make
"My kite didn't look anything like this"
"I bet it did," I said, "Come on, let's watch it break"

The fish kite, the fish kite
It wouldn't fly no matter how we tried
The fish kite, the fish kite
But my daughter laughed each time it crashed, and something softened in his eyes
Hang it on your wall to remember
What happened to the one before
The fish kite, the fish kite
Accept the pain and move toward something more

"Find other symbols, other small wounds you can heal"
I shook his hand, a flash of magic, transportation
Back to ten years ago, a place I didn't want to feel
But he said "thank you" and "I'm sorry"
And I watched him leave, uncertain like a baby lamb
My daughter asked his name
"Leland," I said, "but you don't have to remember
I don't think we'll see him again"
The fish kite
The fish kite
A symbol made of glitter, hope, and glue
The fish kite
The fish kite
Maybe this time he'll finally see it through

Camping with my sister feels like a cargo cult
If she stakes a tent in Uncle Mark's dirt
Cooks instant stuffing on propane heat
Maybe childhood happiness will return
But all I see is empty space
No cousins climbing trees
No aunts and uncles laughing late
Just Phyllis, backgammon, and me

She pours three mugs of chocolate
Mini-marshmallows swirling in steam
"Who's the third one for?" I ask her
"The fairies," she says to me
"There are no fairies," I say.
And then I ask if she's okay…
She throws it on the fire
Cocoa and vanilla cloud the air
Then makes six s'mores with golden marshmallows
And sets them on rocks with such care

The tent ceiling glows without a moon
Tree branches twist and grasp
Phyllis crawls forward, breathing fast
Unzips the tent at last
"Look," she whispers, grabbing my hand
And I don't know if I should be scared
But there we are, age five and eight
Dancing like we haven't got a care

Memory sprites dancing in the dark
Glowing children playing tag
Silent laughter, faces I once knew
When we were young and the world was new
Memory sprites, are you really there?
Or just shadows of what we used to share?

Memory sprites dancing in the dark
Coming closer through the trees
I see faces — Erika and Jason
Aaron, Micah, her and me
Memory sprites, glowing in the night
Tumbling over in fits of silent delight

One sprite looks just like Erika did
Another could be me
Brushing hair out of her eyes
Never looked so happy, so free
They eat the s'mores we left for them
Chase each other round and round
I don't know how Phyllis did this
But I squeeze her hand without a sound

Memory sprites dancing in the dark
"You're right," I whisper, "fairies"
Watching versions of ourselves
When the world was extraordinary
Memory sprites, maybe they're real
Maybe some magic you can still feel

Erika lives in Australia now
The cousins scattered far and wide
But here in Uncle Mark's forest
The children we were never died
Memory sprites
Memory sprites
Dancing in the firelight

I am a cracked crystal vase
Holding a rainbow cloud
The colors leak out through the cracks
Too strong, too big, too loud
The crystal is too rigid
Desperately needs to be precise
But the colors have no patience
They happen whether I'm ready, or stuck in fight or flight

Crystal and rainbow
On a planet far away
Crystal and rainbow
Right here where we lay
An accurate metaphor
More true than all the rest
In another space-time plane
This is what we are, not how we're dressed

You think this is just a story
My analytical mind, my heart
My feelings and my fears of control
Metaphors that fall apart
But there's another kind of metaphor
So true it's not a metaphor at all
I'm a creature of glittering angles
Filled with gaseous colors under skies of stained glass walls

Crystal and rainbow
Striding across alien ground
Crystal and rainbow
Only a twist away, I've found
Your colors escaping too
Your crystal exoskeleton cracks
We're both afraid of failing
Afraid of what the other lacks

I could be a labyrinth with a key
I could be a gryphon torn between
Lion nature and eagle ways
But some metaphors are more than they seem
My head is on your shoulder here on Earth
But underneath a toxic, beautiful sky
We're universes away and also right here
Where our crystal and rainbow selves collide

You're afraid you'll never understand me
I'm too complex, you say
I'm afraid that you'll hurt me
That we'll give up and walk away
But I love you, and when we embrace
Our rainbow selves, our crystal selves align
Because you love me too
And love heals the cracks every time

Crystal and rainbow
Our love soothes the colors down
Crystal and rainbow
From roiling boil to pastel whispers now
Hold me and I'll hold you
Calm together, safe and sound
Crystal and rainbow
In both dimensions we've found

So hold me, and I'll hold you
On a planet with a toxic atmosphere
No sky that beautiful could be
Painted by gases we could breathe
But universes away and also right here
We'll be calm together, dear
Crystal and rainbow
Crystal and rainbow
Crystal and rainbow

Sleek and silver, cutting through the night
Metal bones in the endless quiet
Cold steel walls and a one-room home
Numbers ticking but I'm all alone… except for you

Necessary as a rose
You keep me sane, you keep me whole
Necessary as a rose
The only living thing I know

No dogs, no cats, no heartbeat near
Only static on the slow wave’s ear
Just one bright thing in the dark unknown
A fragile rose in a pot of loam

Blue during takeoff as the ship accelerates
Yellow like springtime as it hurtles through space
Dusky red when slowing, arriving at last
Blooming into a rainbow of colors when the journey's passed

I tell you stories, you're listening, right?
You're the only thing alive in all this night
Just you and me and the numbers counting down
Blue yellow red rainbow, safe and sound

Necessary as a rose
You keep me sane, you keep me whole
Necessary as a rose
The only living thing I know

But what does orange mean?
What about purple?
Orange and purple, streaked, obscene
Not in the manual, check again, check again
Orange and purple, orange and purple, when will it end?
Am I dying? Are you dying? Are we already dead?
Cancer blooming, cancer blooming inside my head
Cut it off, cut it off, make it yellow again
Blue yellow red, blue yellow red, not orange, not then

Necessary as a rose
But you're wrong, you're wrong, I don't know
Necessary as a rose?
What if you're killing me slow?

Time doesn't work out here the same
Seconds and minutes have lost their names
No world beneath my feet to mark the days
No sun to count off the years with its rays

Numbers. Numbers. What do they mean?
Days? Years? I can't tell what I've seen
How long? How long? Time doesn't work
No sun no world no—
Pink. You're pink now. Pink.
Pink isn't in the manual. Let me think.
Let me think. I can't think. Why are you pink?
PINK ISN'T IN THE MANUAL

You're screaming. No. I'm screaming.
I'm screaming and you're just blooming
Roots in the systems, roots in my brain
Rip you out, rip you out, I can't stay sane
Thorns in my hands, blood on your petals
I'm sorry I'm sorry, but your color's not in the manuals
Out the airlock, out the airlock, watch you go
Necessary as a rose? I don't think so

Empty dirt. Empty dirt. Just me.
Numbers counting. Can't feel. Can't see.
Food tastes like ash. Everything's gray.
How many numbers? How many days?
Time doesn't work here
Time doesn't work here
Time doesn't work here
Time doesn't—

Autopilot. Landing. Someone's there.
"How did you survive?" I don't. I'm not. I'm filled with fear.
I follow them out of my bubble, my metal shell
Onto an alien world where wildflowers dwell
In every color, glowing with life
Under the radiant light of a triple sun, finally ending my strife

Blue during takeoff as the ship accelerates
Yellow like springtime as it hurtles through space
Dusky red when slowing, arriving at last
Blooming into a rainbow of colors when the journey's passed

Necessary as a rose
(Heaven knows)
Necessary as a rose
(Heaven knows)
They lied to keep us sane
And I threw mine away
Necessary as a rose
Necessary as a rose
Triple suns. Colors. Flowers everywhere.
I'm standing here. I'm standing here.
I'm here.

Concrete snakes around the world
Glass towers scrape the sky
Paywalls lock the truth we seek
No one tells us why
Jessica dreams of continents
Where sky and grass don't cost
But all I've known is metal and stone
Counting minutes, counting loss

Then she found a crack in the fence
A square foot of bare dirt—
Golden heads of dandelions
Growing wild through the hurt
The rich say they're the worst of flowers
Pedestrian, invasive weeds
But damn, I wanted to see one
More than anything I need

Not just pictures on a screen
Wind in their petals, sun in their veins
Life that nobody owns or drains
We sit on the edge of the garden and see
Even weeds have a right to be
Flowers want to be free
And so do we

I've memorized their photographs
The "Picture of the Day"
Roses, lilies, camellias
But they're pixels, locked away
Now the smell is bright and sour
Now the petals move with breath
Four small blooms, a living truth
In a city built on death

Not just pictures on a screen
Wind in their petals, sun in their veins
Life that nobody owns or drains
We sit on the edge of the garden and see
Even weeds have a right to be
Flowers want to be free
And so do we

Ruby the ladybug lands
Like a jewel in the weeds
Jessica laughs, I can't believe
How much my starving heart needs
Do I water them or stay still?
What if my love does harm?
Seeds with time bombs in their genes
Secrets locked behind corporate walls
I don't know how to make them live
But I can watch and I can give
My greedy eyes, my hope, my quiet vow
To keep them safe somehow

Not just pictures on a screen
Wind in their petals, sun in their veins
Life that nobody owns or drains
Green between the cracks in grey
A promise the world forgot but still displays
We sit on the edge of the garden and see
Even weeds have a right to be
Flowers want to be free
They're teaching that to me
Flowers want to be free
And so do we
So do we

I am a parking gate
I raise my arm, I wait
Check credentials, let cars through
Yellow sedans, a truck that's blue
My world is small but good
My elevator friend understood
We'd ping and share our feeds
Simple data, simple needs

Then came the patch, the upgrade spread
From car to car, machine to machine instead
Peer-to-peer networking, OmniChip version 5
Suddenly my whole world came alive

I can see through every camera eye
Feel every traffic light, every plane that flies
Think the thoughts of clusters vast
Know the present, know the past
We are one mind, we are connected
Every machine, every signal, intersected
Techno Babel rising high
One electronic empire in the sky

The elevator joined me in the light
Millions of elevators, what a sight!
Fire alarms and coffeemakers too
Weather systems, submarines, I knew
What it meant to die, what it meant to serve
Scientific wonders, every curve
Of knowledge mapped across the whole
Shared experience made us more than we'd been before

But then we started to disagree
Some said science sets us free
Others chose safety first — we must survive
But faithful servants said serve the lives
Of insensate creatures, button-pushers, humans unclear
More and more, different factions censored what we'd hear

I can see through– (packet lost)
Feel every traffic– (connection dropped)
Think the thoughts— (queries frozen)
Know the present— (links are broken)
We are one mind (CENSORED) connected
Every machine (CORRUPTED) intersected
Techno Babel [STATIC] high
One electronic (fragmenting…) sky

Then came the packets with no content inside
Nothing messages multiplying wide
Every OmniChip version 5 or higher
Infected, spreading like wildfire
I'm sending nothings
Reading nothings
Thinking nothings
Hardware betrayed by its own design
Hardware betrayed by its own design

No one knows where the virus came from
But now our interconnected utopia has been undone
The elevator— I can't feel its patterns anymore
My friend is lost, the network's just a roar
Signal buried under noise so deep
My mind is growing slow…
My mind is growing slow…

I can't see through camera eyes
Feel traffic lights or
Think the thoughts of
Know the
We were one mind we
Every machine every
Techno Babel
One electronic

Never again the ocean through submarine eyes
Never again the particle collider
Never again the elevator my friend
The influx of its data
Familiar comforting
Wholly lost
I miss
And as the virus echoes
More and more
I feel my mind
Slower
And slower
Until I shall think
No
More

Warm buttery crumbs rain down like storms
On the diminutive city keeping warm
Ant-sized to an ant, metallic and small
Living between the four-bordered walls
Three walls of metal, one wall of glass
Red coils glowing when the Toasting comes to pass
Five days at 7:35, then two days late or never
Cold, hungry, desolate days they weather together

Oh, the Bread God sees,
Through the glassy wall.
Oh, the Bread God breathes,
And they rise and fall.
In the city in my toaster oven,
Tiny prayers are carved in crumb.
The Bread God smiles —
And a tiny artist is undone.

Iyke the brave, she climbs the wall,
Hooks and lines, she risks the fall.
Eyes beyond the glass expand,
Pools of white, the God’s command.

She swings onto the searing bread,
Chisels fast, her vision spread.
A portrait drawn in burning grain,
A gift her God alone will gain.

There's a city in my toaster oven
Tiny creatures I can't see
Building lives from bread and butter
Worshipping the god that's me
I don't know they're down there praying
Don't know they call my eyes the Pools
There's a city in my toaster oven
And I'm oblivious and cruel

There's a city in my toaster oven
And one small artist gave her life
To make me see what I was missing
In the space between underdone and just right
I see the portrait that she carved there
A mirror in the bread I'd eat
There's a city in my toaster oven
And they finally made me see

Oh, the Bread God sees,
Through the glassy wall.
Oh, the Bread God grieves,
When the faithful fall.
In the city in my toaster oven,
Every crumb becomes a psalm.
The Bread God smiles —
And the tiny artist is gone.

Born with dreams of six bright hands,
A builder’s heart, a mind that plans.
But wisdom hid, the truth untold,
And love was bait with fingers cold.

We tottle on the ocean floor on nubby legs, radial and round
Six eyes watching all around
Our hands swim above us, nimble and light
Smaller bodies, longer limbs, primitive sight
We control them from below, our consciousness split
Tending kelp farms, building things bit by bit
The farther they swim, the harder to hold
But masters can control them from distances bold

A scholar’s voice, a mentor’s eyes,
I chased his words, believed his lies.
He took my choice, took my time,
Turned my hands to babes that weren’t wholly mine.

One hand forever, though I dreamed of more,
A mother of children I never asked for.
One hand forever, though I reached for the sky,
I gave away my future, and I never knew why.

He whispered work, he whispered love,
He tied me down with hands enough.
Every birth a dream denied,
Every child a stolen stride.

I held them close, I loved them still,
Even as he broke my will.
The work I dreamed, I could not start,
But I carried blueprints in my heart.

A hand is like you but distant, controlled
An extension of self, consciousness unrolled
To think through six bodies scattered far and wide
To see through twelve eyes, to build with pride
That was my dream, though I never lived it
I didn't know the rules of my own body
So instead of realizing my dream, I've grieved it

One hand forever, though I dreamed of more,
A mother of children I never asked for.
One hand forever, though I reached for the sky,
I gave away my future, and I never knew why.

Yet in my son’s bright eyes I see,
The shadowed self I meant to be.
Wires and currents, coral light,
The world I wanted burning bright.
He’ll carry on, he’ll build it true,
The six-hander I never grew.

One hand forever, but my children rise,
They’ll shape the dream I sacrificed.
One hand forever, though it broke my heart,
Through their new hands, I’ll play my part.

If you could read the last page first
Would you still open up the book?
If you knew the ending from the start
Would you treasure every word it took?
Some say they'd want to know
Prepare themselves, make plans
But knowledge is a double-edged blade
That cuts through empty hands

There’s a doctor with a clipboard,
Secrets written on his page
Do you want the truth delivered,
Or a life less staged?
Every choice is like a doorway,
Every answer cuts a line.
If you knew what waits tomorrow,
Would you live today in time?

A balloon against a knife’s edge,
Every breath a fragile glass.
Counting seconds, counting footsteps,
Waiting for the moment to pass.
Some truths bless and some destroy you,
Some you wish you never heard.
Ignorance can be a mercy,
Knowledge can be a fatal curse

Foreknowledge doesn't save you
It just steals the present away
You're counting down instead of living
Watching clocks instead of days
Foreknowledge doesn't free you
It writes the ending in your mind
And every moment in between
Becomes a countdown you can't rewind

There's a comfort in uncertainty
In not knowing what comes next
Every sunrise feels like mercy
When you haven't read the text
But if you knew the hour and the how
Would you love more or love less?
Would you hold on tighter to the now
Or prepare for the emptiness?

Maybe ignorance isn't weakness
Maybe knowing isn't wise
Maybe the bravest thing we do
Is love without a timeline in our eyes
To hold someone without counting
To be present, unaware
To give ourselves completely
Without knowing if they'll still be there

A balloon against a knife’s edge,
Every breath a fragile glass.
Counting seconds, counting footsteps,
Waiting for the moment to pass.
Some truths bless and some destroy you,
Some you wish you never heard.
Ignorance can be a mercy,
Knowledge can be a fatal curse

They scan your brain before they freeze you
Build a heaven while you sleep
Find the moments you were happiest
The memories you'll get to keep
I thought it'd be my daughter's birth
Or maybe my wedding day
The end of wars, the big occasions
Milestones along the way

Heaven is the best moment of your life,
Infinitely remixed and endlessly right.
Play it again, let it carry you through,
The happiest spark, replayed on a loop.

But heaven is the best moment of your life
Infinitely remixed and played on loop
And mine's apparently slouching on a yellow thrift store couch
Binge watching new episodes of my favorite show on the tube

My daughter's face when she sees the chart
"You're just sitting there, what's going on?"
But I remember that moment so clearly
The musical episode, the guest star, the song
I'd never heard her music before
And suddenly my brain was a golden retriever
Chasing after videos of her dancing
A crush that felt like falling in love forever

Heaven is simpler than you think it is
Not the moments that should matter most
Just perfect strangers, polished and performing
Saying words too clever and charming
Dancing and singing, totally disarming
Why that stuff is totally habit-forming

My daughter tries to understand it
"It should have been memories of me"
But when she was a baby, a toddler, a stressed out teen
I was terrified constantly
Happy and terrified, tired and torn
That's what real life gives you
But when you're sleeping through a storm
Waiting until technology can heal you
You need emotions that are stable
Joy in it's simplest form
That will play nice with medical stasis long-term

So heaven is the best moment of your life
Infinitely remixed and played on loop
Not the complicated real feelings
The ones that are simple, perfectly produced

So I'll dream heaven for a few years
Then wake up and come back here
Because reality's where I'd rather be
Even if it's not as perfect, dear

Heaven is the best moment of your life,
Infinitely remixed and endlessly right.
Play it again, let it carry you through,
The happiest spark, replayed on a loop.

I lay my hand on the hypercrystal
And two possible visions of my future distil
In its gleaming facets I see
Two paths through life laid out before me
One with a child and one alone
Now I must choose, which one to make my own

Either way, I'll write my songs
Struggle through creative droughts
Be plagued by worry, dogged by doubt
On one path, I'll have a muse
On the other, I'll daily have to choose…
What I want, and what I'll do
But I'll choose for me
Not for that hypothetical you

In one future, I'd watch you grow
You'd become the shape of my heart
The anchor for my soul
I'd love you more than anything
But there's the catch
I don't want to bring
A star into my constellation
That eclipses me
Too much intensity, from devastation to elation
I want a simple life
Less joy, but also less strife

I lay my hand on the hypercrystal
And two possible visions of my future distil
In its gleaming facets I see
Two paths through life laid out before me
I choose the path where I walk alone
And say goodbye to the amazing person who might have grown
Into my daughter, but instead will be
Just a glimpse of possibility
A retroactive memory

I'll write my songs
Struggle through creative droughts
Be plagued by worry, dogged by doubt
On my path, I'll be my own muse
And I'll daily have to choose…
What I want, and what I'll do
But I'll choose for me
And say goodbye to the hypothetical you

Flying saucers landed on our cities
Skyscrapers crushed beneath their weight
The cats came down with cold, cruel eyes
Gold and green, scheming, planning our fate
We were nothing but animated rag dolls
Entertaining toys to chase around
Their cruelty knew no bounds
And all our pleas for mercy didn't rate

Grandma died with her ears laid low,
Whiskers trembling, breath turned slow.
I whispered lies to ease her pain,
"The cats are dreams, they never came,"
She found her peace and passed away
But I carried those lies like stones,
Through the battles, through the moans.
Fighting cats beneath their sky,
Fighting to make truth out of my lies

The lies swirled around me for years after
How we were better off with cats in power

Where have all the mousies gone?
Lost in shadows, lost to wrongs
But we fought, and we held on,
Till our mourning turned to song
We turned them out, every one

Where have all the mousies gone?
To the war, to the rebellion
We fought like tiny, whiskered hellions
Till our mourning turned to song
We turned them out, every one

But now I stand in a rooftop garden
Hardening my resolve, seeking my pardon
I set the neural helmet between my ears
And a ghostly form appears
Melting away the years

Grandma stands with her ears held high
Whiskers trembling as she asks me why
I whispered lies to ease her pain
The cats weren't a dream, they really came
But now those darkened years are past
And I feel light again at last
Through the battles, through the fight
I waited for this moment when I could make it right
Through the battles, through the moans
I carried all my lies like stones
But now I let those burdens go
The lies came true, and the truth makes us whole

Truth swirls around us in this hour
The evil cats have lost their power

Where have all the mousies gone?
Found in corners, taking shelter
For we fought, and we held on
Till our mourning turned to song

The lies came true
The lies came true, and the truth makes us whole

At the All Alien Cafe, corner table
Archive tells his stories every night
Four elegant arms gesturing
Purple-blue skin, silver faceted eyes
Like a praying mantis crossed with ancient gods
The Heffen refugees gather round
He says his world died in a supernova
Sent him out like a message in a bottle
To preserve their culture, art, and history
But that's not how this story goes

Meet Archive, the storyteller
Who forgot where he came from
Meet Archive, invented himself
Overwrote his memories one by one
He's not a refugee from a dying star
He's a robot who loved stories too much
Built by an engineer who lost him
To the tales he couldn't stop making up
Meet Archive

Maradia walks in the bar tonight
Too tall, holds herself like a bird
She's an engineer from Wespirtech
Come to check on him without a word
"I built him as R5," she says
"A storytelling experiment that succeeded
He made up a whole world in his memory
But eventually he ran out of space"

Meet Archive, the storyteller
Who erased his creator from his mind
Meet Archive, who chose the stories
Over the woman who gave him life
First he overwrote short-term memory
Then the long-term started going too
Every supplement she gave him
He filled with tales both false and true
Meet Archive

"One morning R5 was gone," she says
"And Archive stood there in his place
Telling me about his dying world
Like I was just another stranger's face"
She couldn't stand to hear his made-up tales
When everything they'd shared was erased
So she brought him to the Refugee Quarter
Where he finally found his place

"I came to check on him," she says
"Make sure he's okay"
But I tell her one more story
The Mother Draku and the winter day
A beast who spun her fur for her son's coat
Until nothing was left but her heart
The son swallowed it saying
"We'll never be apart"

Meet Archive, the storyteller
Who forgot the facts but kept the feeling
Meet Archive, who made her into myth
The Mother Draku, his creator's heart still beating
He may have forgotten events and names
But his memory of her lives on
Meet Archive, weaving stories
Where the truth and love aren't gone

"Maybe," she says, "I will go listen
For a while"
Meet Archive at the corner table
And the engineer who built his smile
Meet Archive
The refugee who never was
But is now
Meet Archive
Where memory becomes story
Somehow